by guest columnist Eileen Katz-Schulman
Giving back. Far too often, this simple phrase is used as an indication of punishment. When a child takes a toy that is not his, he must give it back. High priced executives took tax payer money as bonuses, despite their involvement in the mismanagement of the company, and were made to give the money back. This is how we typically apply this phrase. Yet, in these situations, the words “repair” or “amend” are truly more appropriate. The actions corrected behaviors that were unhealthy and resulted in hurt, guilt, or shame.
What, then is meant when we say “give back” if not to repair something we have broken? In the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, and its multiple and varied offshoots, the concept of giving back has a completely different meaning. It is one of gratitude.
Throughout the 12-Steps, an outline of sorts of the process of healing and recovery, is the notion of repair and amends. The first few steps speak of the need to acknowledge both our behaviors and the messes that they have created in our lives. The next few steps speak to the importance of repair – of fixing what we have broken, of helping to heal those situations where we have caused harm. The latter steps, all except #12, speak to the ongoing nature of this program, the concept that one is never “recovered,” but rather one is always on the journey of learning, growing, changing and improving.
Step-12, however, goes beyond this understanding of the changes we have implemented and their healthier results. It speaks to the aha-moment of realization that when others shared their journeys for their benefit, in reality they were giving me a gift –the gift that change is possible. These people showed their gratitude for what they had received from others by passing it along to yet another person who might benefit.
A major focus of 12th step work is what the fellowship calls service. This service work does not wait until someone has any significant period of sobriety, or has attained some mentor or guru status. This service work begins as soon as there is something to share. In reading the history of AA, its founders, Bill W. and Dr. Bob, realized that it is in the reaching out to others that they were able to stay sober. They did not reach out by saying, “This is what you must do to stay sober.” They reached out by saying, “This is what I have been through, what has worked for me. I am grateful for it and I now offer it as a gift to you. What you do with it is up to you.”
How many times have we performed similar acts of giving back? When we give food to the local food pantry, we are really saying, “Thank you for all that I have.” When we volunteer anywhere, we are really saying, “Thank you for my skills, my interests, and my abilities, that I may be able to use them to make another’s burden a bit lighter.” When we tend to an elderly parent, we are really saying, “Thank you for tending to me.” There are so many versions of the same message. By giving back, I am saying, “I am grateful.”
Instead of asking yourself how you can help others or make the world a better place, ask, “For what am I grateful?” You will know immediately how you can give back!
Eileen Katz-Schulman, MS LMFT LCMFT is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She specializes in the treatment of families struggling with addiction and sexual trauma recovery. She may be reached at Eileen@familymatterstherapy.com.
